She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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