if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize