Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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