I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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