Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
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