I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
