My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
