What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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