my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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