In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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