I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Oh god it's open bar.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
