Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
