I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
