I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
