I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
