i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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