dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
