On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
