This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
