we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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