He asked me if I "almost moaned"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
