she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
