you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
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