Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
420 ftw
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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