I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
