people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
