I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
