I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
