so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
