I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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