Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Randomize
