i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
