I murdered the dance floor call the cops
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
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