We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
