this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
