I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
