I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
