the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I cut my penus on the lid.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
