I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
