We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
