i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
