i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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