my mouth tastes like poor choices
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
