We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
