i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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