god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
