Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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