I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
