dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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