Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
