remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
