im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
