i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
