but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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