Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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